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Who Owes Teanna Trump: An Investigation

Today, Teanna Trump, who’s work I personally am incredibly unfamiliar with tweeted this:

Oh

Apparently she is an adult film actress, which I am blissfully unaware of as the only time I like seeing people on their knees is in church praying to the Lord for forgiveness (probably for watching her videos).

However, as the resident DMR Thunder fan, I cannot let this go unaddressed. You might be saying, “oh but you write about basketball, shouldn’t you be researching advanced analytics?” to which I reply, “You can’t spell Analytics without ana[redacted]”.

I cannot and will not allow them to be slandered, but I wanted to do some investigative journalism to narrow down the potential culprits. For your pleasure, I have provided a tier-system so we can get to the bottom of this. Strap in.

Not A Shot It Was Them

Russell Westbrook: Don’t slander my beautiful son. He has 3 children and his wife Nina is his college sweetheart and an absolute queen who we Stan. This was easy.

Steven Adams: He’s way too innocent, has too much joy in life, and in all likelihood actually doesn’t know who she is. Find a new slant.

SGA: Nope. Can’t explain it, just not him.

CP3: He’s too much of a basketball head to get caught up in this outside noise.

Nerlens Noel: He’s 9 feet tall, I cannot imagine that she wouldn’t be able to look at the roster and figure out it was him. Also, I’m a longtime member of the #NerlensHive so I will not move on this.

Unlikely, But…

Anyone on a rookie/minimum deal: This would knock out a lot of the roster. Terrance Ferguson, Mike Muscala, Bazley, Patton, Hall, and Burton seem to be in the clear. However, her lack of payment would maybe lead me to suspect that it’s somebody who doesn’t have the financial means to afford her services in a timely manner, so it opens the door to the possibility. I just refuse to believe any of these kids would break their purity for this.

Abdul Nader: I don’t know enough about the man to say one way or the other, so he lands right in the middle.

Danilo Gallinari: Italians are naturally focused from centuries of Lodge Family Breeding. I don’t think it was him, but there’s every chance that he misses LA nightlife and just wanted a small taste of it again. Either way, he’s just too damn good looking to have to stoop to that level.

This Might Be Problematic

Dennis Schroder: He’s got the contract to afford it, and this all happening around the Melo signing in Portland might have triggered some sort of PTSD for Dennis (he was traded for Melo last offseason). The streak in his hair indicates that he is, in fact, a wild boi. He’s not playing great basketball, and this might be the distraction as to why. However, that hair is distinct and I feel as if Miss Trump would have recognized it.

Mike Muscala: He was offered the chance to back out of the OKC deal this offseason when the team went into rebuild mode. I’m not sure why he stayed. Maybe he knew he had a pre-arranged agreement with the lady. He did only play 4 minutes in an overtime game against Philly…exhaustion perhaps from a night on the town? I will not speculate.

Paul George: He has a noted past with promiscuous women, and though Miss Trump does not appear to be one, the trade request came seemingly out of nowhere. Kawhi and Doc Rivers aren’t devious enough to have set this all up, right? I think he might be our most likely suspect here.

Andre Roberson: Contract? Check. Mysterious injury and therefore time to take off? Check. Has literally not been seen outside of grainy practice videos? Check. God I hope it isn’t him.

Wildcards

Billy Donovan: I don’t think it’s him, but it’s interesting that ball movement has increased this year on the team, a known strength of Teanna Trump. Billy is a Long Island kid, and being from the area I know many people like him, so it wouldn’t SHOCK me. He’s a darkhorse candidate.

A Player On Another Team: There’s a chance someone from another team did this! They might have flown her out to OKC to join them on the road, and caused mass confusion in the process. The likely candidates include: Deangelo Russell, David Lee, Anyone on the Magic, and Anyone on the Bucks not named Giannis.

So, Who Was It?

After running through the analytics, and some deep investigative journalism, I’ve come to the conclusion that the culprit was…Khris Middleton.

Think about it. His last game before an injury was in OKC. He’s now out with a thigh injury.

View this post on Instagram

I need a personal freak 🥵when I call u just b ready

A post shared by Teanna Trump (@itsteannatrump) on

Does this look like someone that could give you a thigh injury? This was her last Instagram post…on November 10th. The morning of Thunder-Bucks. The picture was taken in Newark, but planes exist now. She could have flown there, or tagged the picture to throw off her fans. The caption “I need a personal freak when I call u just b ready”. The thigh injury would seem to show that Middleton was–indeed–not ready.

In conclusion, nobody on OKC would ever do anything immoral because they have an outstanding culture and everyone is so fun and pure. It couldn’t have been them. All signs point to Khris.

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